Let’s get one thing out of the way and start with a mini review. I did not like the first Expendables movie, I thought it a lousy and fairly dull movie. Before you start adding comments like “Dude THE Brian you’re an idiot! It’s not supposed to be a good movie, it’s supposed to be a big dumb turn off your brain and watch things explode popcorn action flick!” I’m fully aware of that and I’m saying it was a bad and fairly dull turn your brain off and watch things explode popcorn flick. Here are the memorable parts of that flick to me:

1. Hale Caesar’s automatic shotgun.
2. Hale Caesar throwing a bomb at a chopper
3. Terry Crews out acting everyone not named Mickey Rourke.
4. The fact that Jet Li’s character couldn’t handle anyone tougher than a grunt unless he had help from a bigger guy.
5. The fact that you give a character one of the most #$&@ing awesome names in cinema history in Hale Caesar and I only find out his name by watching the credits. What kind of crap is that?!

Now on to our feature presentation:

If you didn’t see the first Expendables here’s a brief rundown of what you need to know plot wise. They’re a bunch of mercenaries hired by a CIA agent named Church (played by Bruce Willis). Sadly, for Church, they didn’t do the job the way he wanted them to, so Church feels they owe him. Roll Credits.

“Expendables 2” opens up with a great action sequence! Rolling in with crazy SUV’s looking like they came off the set of “Road Warrior”, the crew’s mission is to rescue a kidnapped Asian billionaire from a remote village in Nepal. Once they complete the mission and return home for some R&R, Barney Ross (played by Stallone) runs into Church who demands he recover an object from a downed plane. Refusing at first, Ross is pressured into taking the job due to his debt to Church (accrued in the first movie). Sadly, the job does not go off as planned. They’re ambushed by a man named “Villain” (played by Jean Claude Van Damme) who steals the object from them. Ross then vows to “find him, track him and kill him!”

Since (for strange reasons) the theme from “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly” is played whenever Chuck Norris appears, I’m going to break the rest of this review down into good, bad and ugly segments.

The Good:

1. I realize this is not a movie where the plot is that big of a deal. However, bringing in writer Richard Wenk to help with the script, and having Simon West direct, greatly elevated the plot. “The Expendables 2” flowed much better. The script and comedy bits were far more solid than the first film.
2. Though not given much to work with, I really enjoyed Van Damme’s over the top portrayal of the main antagonist. I hope to see him play a bad guy in more action flicks. On a side note, a little plastic surgery and botox has worked out well for the Muscles from Brussels.
3. A lot of humor (especially at the beginning) works really well.

The Bad:

1. Sadly, pretty much every joke regarding the actors personal lives, previous roles and catch phrases just falls flat. For example, Lundgren actually being a genius in real life, Norris saying a Chuck Norris joke, Schwarzenegger delivering his 80’s catch phrases, etc. I think they partially feel forced into the script, but a lot of it falls on bad delivery.
2. While my favorite action sequence is probably the first one, I wish I’d seen this movie with Geek Life’s “The Admin” to hear and see her reaction to the really cheap (and REALLY bad) CGI chopper.
3. Semi-spoiler, one of the Expendables dies. But it’s telegraphed by a conversation he has. I know they wanted to foreshadow his death but Jeez man! Did they give him every bloody cliché line in cinema history that screams HE’S GOING TO GET KILLED!!!!!!!? I would like to say they were doing a satire of that type of dialog, but the rest of the film doesn’t seem smart enough for that to be true.
4. In the first film, every character took a back seat in the story to Jason Statham’s Lee Christmas and Sylvester Stallone’s Barney Ross. This time every character takes a back seat to Ross. But hey at least they said Hale Caesar’s name this time, so bonus points for that.
5. Bruce Willis pretty much mailed in his performance.
6. The third act in this film is by far the weakest of the three acts. I’m putting this in the bad since I’m a firm believer in the idea that with film “Ya gotta finish strong Bro!”

The Ugly:    

1. If you thought it was hard to understand Batman in the “Dark Knight”, well Christian Bale has nothing on Dolph Lundgren in this film. The man mutters and slurs just about every line making it hard to understand half of what he is saying.
2. Arny Arny Arny. I love you man and I know you’ve been out of the acting game for a while. But your acting in this film makes this actor in “Troll 2” look like the greatest actor of his generation.

I realize that it seems like I’m bashing this film, but at the end of the day I still think it’s better than the original. I had a good time while watching it. It’s a fine popcorn action flick to check out if you don’t have much going on in the afternoon.

Rating: Matinee

Fun factor: 80%

Sincerely, THE Brian.